Races that Stop Two Nations

Ah, is it November already?

The termination of pedagogy for another year (God, I love uni), the promise (frequently broken by the Melbourne weather-gods) of warmth and the expectation (nominal, at least) that the upcoming summer will provide a lifetime's worth of memories (this expectation of course clashes with the fact that the predictable over-indulgence will prevent any meaningful memories from being remembered).

But enough with the horizon-gazing. Events in the very near future demand attention.

Two particular events have been fixed by my attention, of which both provide punters with a spectacle and of which both happen to fall on the same day.

I refer of course to the Tuesday, November 6, 2012 runnings of the Melbourne Cup and the US presidential election (in order of priority, naturellement).

The following is a guide to how to survive/embrace fully one or both events.

The Melbourne Cup (a public holiday, at least in Melbourne and some parts of rural Victoria, and apparently also in Canberra for federal bureaucrats (under the title of "Family and Community Day", which seems meaningless enough)):

The 2012 running of the Melbourne Cup will be the 151st occasion in which the good ladies and gentlemen of the community will turn up to a track in Flemington, in Melbourne's inner-west, to watch a few horses go by for just over three minutes (the fastest was - trivia buffs take note - Kingston Rule in 1990, at a time of 3min 16.3s) before getting completely sozzled on cheap champagne, before taking an overpriced taxi or an overfilled train carriage back to home base.

If you decide instead to watch from home instead, then you too can still get completely sozzled, with the help of some fun games, because, really, no one watches the horse racing for the horses, and, besides, the coverage is sure to be so tedious that forgoing even a little liquor seems inhumane, even if it is only one o'clock in the afternoon.

Most of the fun is based on the following principle: consider that Channel 7's purported coverage of Cup Day goes for seven and a half hours. Given an average race time of three minutes - there are those that will go for fewer - and given there will be about six or seven races (producing 18 to 21 minutes of racing time), it leaves Bruce McAvaney and his crew (wouldn't Dennis Cometti make a marvelous race caller?) somewhere between seven hours and nine minutes and seven hours and 12 minutes of coverage to fill. Let's not be mean,  but when you have to provide material for that amount of time, well, some of it will be less entertaining, informative and instructive than what would be expected. It is these moments that we can exploit for our own amusement and inebriation.

The Cross: Bruce McAvaney can't talk for all of the broadcast, of course, so he has to recruit some friends to assist him in the process. Be on the lookout for crosses with various "personalities", each one more dubious than the last. Some of the categories of crosses, for which you can reward yourself for staying the course by having a tipple, include:

• The Fashion Cross: I'm not the biggest fashionista in Melbourne, or even in the western suburbs, or even on my street, or even in my house, but at the same time I'm not the worst-dressed either - I mean, I know how to appreciate, for example, a decent pair of button-fly jeans when I see one. You tend to see two types of interviewees in this cross: one is the preening model, so self-conscious by her three minutes of fame, she - or he - hurriedly namechecks the manufacturer of her wears, perhaps anticipating the real or imagined cheque coming her way for her role as advertiser. The other type is the outlandishly-costumed punter, perhaps cross-dressing, and usually with sunglasses on to add to the absurdity of the outfit. This type can typically be seen - and heard - yelling boorishly - in their own minds, excitedly - to camera or to various others. Forensic studies have concluded alcohol is a predominating factor in the latter example.
• The Betting Cross: Forget about horse racing, betting is the sport of kings in this country. Apparently by the time the Cup is run and won (a phrase you'll hear a lot more of between the winning of the race and the sports update on the 6pm news), we'll have spent "more than $60 million" on various wagers. Point men, at the risk of being accused an advertorial agent myself, would be Adam Hamilton and racing scion Tom Waterhouse. Have yourself a double tipple if you manage to spot that token woman of the industry, Julia Gillard Kelli Underwood Chelsea Roffey Jaimee Rogers. Another game can be to see which titles have, in the smallest point, the words "Gamble responsibly". Also raise your elbow whenever the coverage cuts to the betting guy who's next to the totalisator, which is also known as the Machnine with the Funny Knobs and the Horses' Names on It (that's not the scientific name, obviously). In this age of digital display, it makes no sense to utilise what is a pre-digital solution. I guess it all has to do with eating up time (see above).  
• The Cross-Promotion Cross: Various folks are getting prepared for Season 2013, and for once I'm not talking about football. No, Channel 7's 2013 season launch was held a few weeks back (what do you know, reading the society pages of the various papers is informative) and so be prepared for the lather of cross-promotion that will be unleashed. Forget about the advertisements, what you should be fearing are the interviews - oh my God, how many? - of Channel 7 "stars". "Dancing with the Stars", the "X-Factor", "Australia's Got Talent" - the list goes on and on. Do try and be out of the room whenever a cross of this type fills your screen. 

The On-the-Ground Interviewer: Will probably be a woman (for the "softer" and more human touch) and somehow connected to the racing industry, no matter how tenuous the link (the wife's sister's daughter of the trainer, maybe?). Hopefully, the interviewer doesn't follow the path of the BBC woman in charge at Royal Ascot, who to my eyes seemed well on the way to tipsiness (it wouldn't have been because she was enjoying herself, of course not). If the Channel 7 woman in the same role says or does indiscreet on camera, reward yourself by joining her on the road to over-indulgence.

The Blatant Product Placement: During presentations, comperes (on Nine last Saturday it was Tony Jones) make reference to the name of the cup before officially declaring the winning jockey. This is fine. What irritates me is the inane speech that some representative (probably - God forbid - a flack, or some PR spokesperson) of the sponsor of the race makes, as if to prove his or her self-importance to the uncaring crowd. I'd like to think the compere, too, reserves a corner of their heart for what must be the unadulterated hatred that they must surely feel for a world which makes its money by engaging in deceit and fraud. I'd like to think that, but then I'm probably just being edgy.

So yeah, that's my take on Cup Day. So what if I've blown my bridges to the racing media industry? It's not like I want to make as many connections as possible as I make my way into the industry, or anything.

Enjoy your drink(s) while watching the horses go by, because you won't be the only Melburnian to do so.

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The US presidential election will be held on the same day (the result will be known around 11am Wednesday in Melbourne).

In a two-horse race (geddit?), it seems no one has any real idea, and can just make up their own facts on the issue.

No, to be fair, we can draw some conclusions about what has been occurring in the land of the free. If we were to take the FOX news view, anyway, about the campaign, it would be something like this: every other notable news organisation is liberal, biased, subjective and hopelessly partisan (read: Democratic). Its own take is strictly "fair and balanced", and it's not like Messrs Murdoch and Ailes haven't force-fed viewers with their own ideology. Of course.

In any case, let's try and understand what will happen on Tuesday, November 6, 2012 in the United States of America (except of course in the political capital of the world, Washington, DC - more on that in a moment).

The channel through which the President and Vice-President are decided is known as the Electoral College. There are therefore two elements of voting that takes place: the electoral vote and the popular vote. the direct and indirect means, respectively.

The electoral vote is decided by electors, who, strangely enough, form, through those 50 United States, except the territories and DC, the Electoral College. The Electoral College has a member for each senator of a state (so 2) plus a member for every representative. 

Confuzzled? The point is that the popular vote leads to the electoral vote. If enough people vote for Democratic electors, then the state will pass its votes to the Democratic candidate - in this case, of course, President Barack Obama.

Technically, the Electoral College meet on a state-by-state basis on the Monday after the second Wednesday in December - this year, the 17th - but the reason why I say a result will be known almost straightaway is because there shouldn't be any surprises, like an elector using the old bait-and-switch and flip-flopping on their vote.

My tip, because I know you're all dying for it: Both candidates are not inspiring at all, because Barack Obama has nowhere to go on the "Hope" and "Change" platform from 2008 and Mitt Romney is hardly an inspiring alternative. There is nothing wrong with being successful in business, but economic rationalism is hardly a good set of principles to govern by ("Rappin' Ronnie Reagan" would of course disagree). As I said (from the relatively calmer waters of Australia, I guess) to a friend, and I'm rather fond of this quote: "Obama is the President that America needs, but Romney is the President that America deserves."

I'm also keen on the results of the congressional elections, because it determines what the President will have to work with. My other plug is to look for how third parties, like the Libertarian Party or Green Party, fare.

Final guess: Obama will just pip the post because a) of a prevailing "better-the-devil-you-know" attitude that probably got Bush re-elected in '04 and b) natural disasters like the "Frankenstorm" Sandy tend to favour incumbents, and because Obama didn't stuff up rescue efforts (one imagines a man, short not only in stature, but also in dignity and humanity, drinking whiskey somewhere in Texas, cursing a fellow President for getting natural disaster rescue right). Another contributing factor is that a sitting Republican Governor in Chris Christie endorsed Obama's efforts. Traitor or not, Christie is looking towards the big picture, and you should expect to hear and see a lot more about him in the run up to 2016.

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While arguably more important, it's probably the case that proportionally fewer people care about the presidential election. And while a political horse race affects the public more than a literal one, that's fine. What's also fine is that the horse racing enthusiasts get a day off, while voters in the most significant democratic state in the world, in exercising their right, do not. Yep, we certainly have our priorities right.