Dirty about Harry: A Poem

Harry Jenkins, former Federal Speaker and Member for Scullin, today announced his resignation from Parliament, effective at the next federal election.

I find this significant because he was the voice of the Parliament when I started to become interested in these matters. He had the good grace, humour and, ultimately, authority that any good umpire needs - being Speaker of Federal Parliament is probably one of the toughest umpiring gigs in the land. Anywho, a little poem is below, a poor tribute to his contribution to Australian politics.

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Mister

Vision

His innocence

For the house of cards all that

Or not

For that

Data steering 

Denied wasteful

Statement specimen for that one largest loosening up one

For them

Wanna

Format but without water

Then

Financed

Cast all

Five years' time

Half the rate is sixty feet to the story reason usage of the time to learn

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Jon

Jon,

Did you fail to recognise me as you got off the train, as I have failed to recognise so many others?

Cold Sores

So, yeah, I'm sick with a cold. Qu'elle surprise.

I find this highly significant because, heretofore, I had spent all winter boosting my weak-as-wet-cardboard immune system with more fruit than usual. Because you must ask, and because I must tell you, I overcame my aversion to mandarines and discovered the usefulness of apples as a quick breakfast snack - notwithstanding the fact that, more often than not, these apples will be the only thing I have eaten until dinner (poverino, &c).

Sure, it had been going around - last year, there was some sort of pandemic in August (exams were in November) at my alma mater that I may or may not have inadvertently caused - but I felt pretty secure this time around. Sure, my dear, dear brother had it - and still does - but, au contraire to what I told at least one acquaintance - it was not really his fault. (Ah, qu'elle poseur!)

I'm a man undone by stress.

This time, the stress was due to the "peeps" at RMIT (I'm refraining from using a more defamatory word) telling me certain things that I really didn't want to hear. That, and the fact I was getting screwed over by technology again - tehnologija, as my Croatian grandfather says. 

So, as Lenin wrote in what was almost certainly another context, what is to be done?

Well, I base my recovery (it's fairly scientific) on a few principles:

• Staying warm: That means wearing an absurd amount of layers plus a ridiculously-long scarf in the hope of inducing sweat, which apparently quickens recovery. That also means having a little nightcap just before bedtime. However, I'm not talking about beer, which is only 4-5%. No, you need to have the heavy stuff, so you get to sleep fairly, plus have funky Technicolor© dreams at the same time.  It is fairly inauspicious, then, that I have A Panic at the Disco's album "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out". Maybe it works as some sort of reverse omen. Who knows?
• Eating a, frankly, absurd diet: I mentioned fruit above, but this is just half part of the plan. The other half relates to eating the most fattening, unhealthy food possible. Examples are chocolate, take-away and others. It goes beyond, y'know, becoming obese, because what happens during a cold is you generally tend to eat less - because, y'know, you feel like what second US President John Adams would have described (in another context) as a "crapulous mass" - and so you lose a bit of mass. The important thing during a cold is to dramatically increase the calorie-to-exercise ratio - by dramatically increasing the amount of calories.
• Taking medication: This may sound obvious... and it is! Go, go, go on the paracetamol or ibuprofen. Of course as a maximum, you only really need to pop those pills twice a day. I find having paracetamol in a tea (Lemsip &c, with honey and lemon naturellement) in the morning one day and a pill the other varies things up a little (or tea morning, pill lunch &c). (Authorial note: The didact is getting too strong even for me).

There are some positives:

• Being a drain on the system: Basically, with colds men - and me as well - can use this debilitating illness as an excuse for the indolence that they already possess. Do the dishes? Nope, sorry. Cook tea? Don't want to make everybody sick. Do work? I'd rather curl up in front of the telly, thanks (the worst is during the day, when all you get is Ready Steady Cook and movies from when you didn't know they were able to make them). You also are able to moan constantly without being called out on it. The only other time in which it would be acceptable would be singing a Bob Dylan song. 
• Facial hair growth rate slows down: Notwithstanding my ever-diminishing masculinity, the fact that it takes slightly longer to get the point where I resemble a metrosexual caveman pleases me no end (puberty hasn't hit me yet, folks). 

So, yeah. That's my narcissistic contribution in the best Montaignean tradition for today. There's an odds-on chance this cold will prove to be an extremely virulent strain of, like, swine flu or it could turn out to be completely harmless.

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There is something deliciously ironic in the fact that, while completely healthy, I am too lazy to actually so I do the whole spam email thing, but with this cold I get this whole artistic (that really should be in quotation marks) inspiration thing and type out a thesis on paracetamol. C'est la vie.     

Spam email #3

Flip flop. That's the sound a man of contradictions - viz., me -  makes whenever he puts pen to paper or hand to keyboard. It is in this spirit then that I present spam email the third, with striking and pithy exegetical analysis.

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My Dear,


I know that we haven't known or come across each other before considering the fact that I sourced your email contact through the internet in search of trusted person who can assist me urgently and save my life.


My name is Mirinda Prez John 24 years old female from the Republic of Kenya, the daughter of Late Mr Prez John. My late father was a Kenyan lawyer and human rights activist who was the Chief Executive Officer and Communications and Advocacy Officer of the Oscar Foundation Free Legal Aid Clinic Kenya (OFFLACK). My Father was brutally shot dead on Thursday 5Th March 2009 after a government spokesman accused their group of aiding a criminal gang. What led to the cold blood killing is still unclear but I know that my father life was the target. You can read more about my father in the bbc link below. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/792787 3.stm


I am constrained¹ to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. Now I am presently staying in the Mission in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship² and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$ 5.7 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin.
I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf.I had wan ted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money.


Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. As you indicated your interest to help me³ I will give you the account number and the contact of the bank where my late beloved father deposited the money with my name as the next of kin. It is my intention to compensate you with 40% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment.⁴ Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.


Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response.⁵ I will give you details in my next mail after receiving your acceptance mail to help me.
Yours s incerely,
Miss Mirinda Prez John.

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1 "Constrained"? Gee, it hardly makes me inclined to give money I don't have to a total stranger if that stranger is just "constrained" to get in touch with me. Surely the whole point is to build a connection of pseudo-friendship, which doesn't work with "constrained"^↩ 2 If only entering into relationships were this easy... (Cue joke about all women costing the earth)^↩ 3 I must have had a few cold ones, because I can't remember this being the case. Either that, or I've given my email to some dodgy websites. You decide.^↩ 4 Good luck with that. I have little to no knowledge - or care - in any good investments prospects. Finance is a mug's game, and I always wonder why any scrupulous person would bother with the sharemarket, which is basically a crook's haven. If I invest, it will be in something reliable - and more importantly, long-term - like land or commodities. E'en so, it seems that "green energy" is the big buzzword of the business pages these days.^↩ 5 It's been more than a month since I got this email, so it can hardly be considered timely.^↩

Separated-at-Birth-ness: Its Theory and Practice

Ever noticed how people look alike? Of course you have.

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It seems to me that on every second day when I'm out and about, I think I see somebody I know, or used to know, or am able to have an amiable conversation with which doesn't end in an argument or a dissolution of some kind. The problem is when, upon closer inspection, the prima faciê friend turns out to be a total stranger.The good news is my reservedness will prevent my grossly misidentifying somebody. Misanthropy has its strong points too, I guess.

Gotye: Not dead, but dead tired of anonymous hacks making facile references to his work.

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Why is this the case? Here follows a theory I have developed to explain the phenomenon of strangers looking alike; that which we call the "spitting image" of somebody else. 

Two points: 

1) I have no basis in any anthropological expertise of any kind, so take it or leave it as you please. I only appeal to common sense and logic in this piece - and in fact most of my serious articles - but don't expect any jargon to be used. At worst, this is just supposition and hypotheticals. 

2) Inb4 being called racist. I am an internationalist, and this article should prove that.   

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The human face is strange, in a way. It is eternal - the one abiding sign of humanity - and yet it can be so confusing. Confusing in that its manifestations can be interpreted in a hundred different ways, and yet these are all variations on a theme. Looks, glances, frowns, smiles - who hasn't got it wrong at some stage?

But it goes deeper than that. The combinatorics of the human - why people look same-same, but different-different - is itself a variation on a theme. That theme of course is identity, and does assert itself when people mistake others for other others (yes, I know, no need to be Derridean and thus make it more confusing.)

As above, this is supposition. But surely there are aspects of the human face that make it so mistakable. I am writing of course of ratios (yay!)  - chin to head, lips to mouth, cheek to head and others - and distances - eye to eye, nostril to nostril and lip to lip &c. For as da Vinci recognised in Vitruvian Man, the person is able to be quantified. The face is the same, and to give this post some chutzpah, I propose the following experiment: a researcher goes into the city, does whatever, and when they happen upon a person who looks like a person they know, drag both (the friend lookalike and the friend) back to the lab (with consent, of course) and measure said ratios and distances. I propose that, given proper means to statistical petulance, the said ratios and distances will come back close enough, if not the same. 

Simply put, similar facial features make, upon first glance, the friend lookalike and the friend look undifferentiable.     

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To the question of race, and it's valid enough, I put forth this response. Facial features have no knowledge of race - whether it's just a construct or not - and are there of their own accord (when I write that, obviously I refer to birth and growth, nature and nurture &c.). I would suggest similar or identical facial features transcend racial boundaries. It is just the combination of these features that make people look similar. 

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This facial similarity, this separated-at-birth-ness goes a long way to explaining the appeal in having "separated at birth" columns in newspapers around the globe. It's a widespread phenomenon, so it's easy to relate to, plus it fills in space between the ads (sorry, that's a crisp one from one of my journalism lecturers).

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One quick example to demonstrate (in fact, this was to be all of this article originally) is the facial similarity between my two favourite politicos, Tony Jones and Glenn Beck. Part of the appeal of this exercise is, given their ideological polarities, to raise the hypothetical that they may have the same mum. It more than likely isn't the case, but it's fun anyhow. 

 Tony Jones and Glenn Beck: Lookalikes, but polar opposites, ideologically speaking

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If this article seems weird or esoteric or arcane or insane, then yes, I enjoy all of those words. It just seems to me there's a reason why strangers look similar, and this is my contribution to the discussion, however non-existent it may be.

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Spam e-mail #2

Just a crisp little one here - we'll leave a tortured arts student (not me!) to provide the exegesis.

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Hello

Am miss Juliet ,interested in you,and wish to have you as my friend,for a friend is all about Respect, Admiration and love passion alsofriendship is consist of sharing of ideas and planing together,i intend to send you my picture for you, if you reply me.thanks from Juliet.

Spam e-mail #1

So, I've been getting a bit of spam recently. What's new? It actually is new for me - heretofore I thought it was some mythical creature, like carbon dioxide or something. This is just filler, but it is still entertaining in its own right, and it's a wonder the Nobel Committee hasn't awarded a prize in literature for some of these people's efforts. Probably because the relevant texts are languishing in the Junk folder.

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FROM THE DESK OF MR. MUDI FEEZ,
THE SENIOR AUDITOR IN CHARGE
FOREIGN REMITTANCE UNIT,
BANK OF AFRICA (BOA).
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.

Please reply through my private email address (mudifee2009@gmail.com)

DEAR FRIEND,

GOOD DAY.

I PRESUMED THAT ALL IS WELL WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.PLEASE LET THIS NOT BE A SURPRISED MESSAGE TO YOU BECAUSE I GOT YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION FROM THE INTERNATIONAL DIRECTORY FEW WEEKS AGO BEFORE I DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU ON THIS MAGNITUDE AND LUCRATIVE TRANSACTION FOR OUR PRESENT AND FUTURE SURVIVAL IN LIFE. MOREOVER, I HAVE LAID ALL THE SOLEMN TRUST IN YOU BEFORE I DECIDED TO DISCLOSE THIS SUCCESSFUL AND CONFIDENTIAL TRANSACTION TO YOU.

I AM THE SENIOR AUDITOR IN CHARGE OF FOREIGN REMITTANCE UNIT OF OUR BANK AND I DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU FOR THIS FINANCIAL TRANSACTION WORTH FOURTEEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND US DOLLARS (14.5 M) FOR OUR PRESENT AND FUTURE SUCCESS. THIS IS AN ABANDONED FUND THAT BELONGS TO ONE OF OUR BANK FOREIGN CUSTOMERS WHO DIED ALONG WITH HIS ENTIRE FAMILY THROUGH PLANE CRASH FEW YEARS AGO.

MEANWHILE, I WAS VERY FORTUNATE TO COME ACROSS THE DECEASED FILE WHEN I WAS ARRANGING THE OLD AND ABANDONED CUSTOMERS FILE IN OTHER TO SIGN AND SUBMIT TO THE ENTIRE BANK MANAGEMENT FOR AN OFFICIAL RE DOCUMENTATION AND AUDIT OF THE YEAR AGAINST 2012.

INFORMED CLEARLY THAT IT WAS STATED IN OUR FOREIGN BANKING RULES AND REGULATIONS WHICH WAS SIGNED LAWFULLY THAT IF SUCH FUND REMAINS UNCLAIMED TILL THE PERIOD OF TEN YEARS STARTED FROM THE DATE THE BENEFICIARY DIED, THE MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERRED INTO THE BANK TREASURY AS UNCLAIMED FUND HOWEVER, IT IS NOT AUTHORIZES BY THE RULES GUIDING OUR BANK FOR A CITIZEN OF BURKINA FASO TO MAKE THE CLAIM OF THE FUND UNLESS YOU ARE A FOREIGNER NO MATTER THE COUNTRY.

SO THE REQUEST OF YOU AS A FOREIGNER IS NECESSARY TO APPLY FOR THE CLAIM AND TRANSFER OF THE FUND SMOOTHLY INTO YOUR RELIABLE BANK ACCOUNT AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO THE DECEASED.WHEN THE FUND IS TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT 35% WILL BE FOR YOU IN RESPECT OF ALL YOUR ASSISTANCE FOR THE TRANSFER OF THE FUND INTO YOUR ACCOUNT AND PROVISION OF THE BANK ACCOUNT WHERE THE BANK WILL REMIT THE FUND, 60% WILL BE FOR ME BEING THE PIONEER OF THE BUSINESS WHILE THE REST 5% WILL BE SHARED TO RESPECTABLE ORGANIZATIONS SUCH AS CHARITY AND THE DESTITUDES HOMES AROUND US IN THE WORLD.

IF YOU ARE REALLY SURE OF YOUR TRUSTWORTHINESS, ACCOUNTABILITY AND CONFIDENTIALITY ON THIS TRANSACTION CONTACT ME AND ACCEPT NOT TO CHANGE YOUR MIND TO CHEAT OR DISAPPOINT ME WHEN THE FUND IS TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.SO REPLY FOR THE ASSURANCE WITH YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS TO FACILITATE EASY COMMUNICATION. AS SOON AS YOU REPLY, YOU NOTIFY ME SO THAT I WILL LET YOU KNOW THE NEXT STEP AND PROCEDURE TO FOLLOW IN ORDER TO FINALIZE THIS TRANSACTION SUCCESSFULLY.

Please reply through my private email address (mudifee2009@gmail.com)

I EXPECT YOUR URGENT COMMUNICATION.

YOURS SINCERELY,
MR. MUDI FEEZ.

Stop the Presses: A Poem Dedicated to Craig Emerson

So a senior minister parodied Skyhooks' "Horror Movie" in order to ruffle Tony Abbott's feathers about the carbon tax. Yep, only in Australia. Anywho, here's a little something I've whipped up to celebrate Mr Emerson's fine performance.

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At least uh... polls dot today suggests that uh... the message that you've been

Selling ah... people are buying it's the experience of the common cost will be in 

The living off of there's been the mother of all scared Tam pines the 

Prosecutes a very modest seventy cents in every one hundred dollars or in terms

Of weekly

Household bills nine dollars Nadia week with compensation on average of ten 

Dollars and tend to excite

This has been the mother of all state and times by mister event

But the truth will be in the living of the common price and the truth is that

The pricing text will be very modest in there will be substantial compensation

To get this poll was taken off to some of that compensation has already started

Flowing T_V_ aids of thing hearing

Uh... are you concerned that the uh... the has been a turnaround already well

I'm sure that uh... when people uh... appreciate the modest us modest most of
The prize impacts
Though I will realise that there has been enormous date and time
With crimes that uh... I leg of lamb will cost two hundred dollars that uh...
Paper entire communities
Will be walked off the map uh... alleged in the Illawarra
Honda Valley pilot right valley Portland Quintilian and of course uh... Whyalla and
I was a mileage is just a diaper wireless just fine he's what is the mood
And they had a lot of people notice events at the potential impact of the
Company well this is the mood in my life

Coli Alar wife out there on my clichés you know why a lot like welfare and Mike
To do you know why allow wiped out there on my feet b 
Truck and there are not ready
Jumped in the right out of moderating