"These tedious old fools..."

"The satirical rogue says that old men have grey beards, that their faces are wrinkled, their eyes purging thick amber and plum-tree gum and that they have a plentiful lack of wit, together with most weak hams: all which, sir, though I most powerfully and potently believe, yet I hold it not honesty to have it thus set down, for yourself, sir, should be old as I am, if like a crab you could go backward." 
(Hamlet, II, ii)
 
Hamlet's words to Polonius in Shakespeare's play belie the depth to which old people alternately frustrate and intrigue me. I am often left in a state of apoplexy trying to analyse the actions of old people - whether they be in the spheres of family or work. However, let me preface my article by articulating two important points...

I have, myself, in the past, been labelled an "old man" by those who knew me, and, thinking back on my actions in a previous post, I can now see where they were coming from. For reasons that I am not ready to reveal, I agree with them and I hope that now I can be recognised as someone who is the antithesis of that descriptor. Again, that's kindle for another fire.

But how do I define someone that is "old"? Well, through my observations, I reckon that people start catching the old virus when - at youngest - they are 40. Of course, not everyone is infected at that age, but one probably has to keep working exponentially harder to stave it off thereafter.

Right. Well, guess it's that time when I slag everybody off in my family. No, I'm not going to wheel out that trite little whimsy (thanks Vladimir Nabokov) about being able to choose one's friends but not being able to choose one's family but I will point out that I've had 17 years to hone my observations on some of the more elderly members of my famiglia. I want to reemphasise that it has only been this last half-year that I have escaped the tyranny and bondage of old people syndrome. Before this, I was magnetised to old people. There is no other way to explain this phenomena, becuase I would seemingly prefer the company of adults (specifically aged over 40) to my own mates. Now I know this sounds not only bizarre but also pretentious because I've paraphrased this fact at least two other times in this post alone, but I need to expunge this past modus vivendi in order to move forward.

Example 1: My uncle is currently teaching how me how to drive. Unfortunately, he's not one of the cool uncles that gets drunk at the Christmas parties, and gives you obscure and arcane presents. Instead, he is the most miserable man I know. Our pre-driving conversation is limited to "Hi". You'd think that, given I'm controlling a potential deathtrap with him in it, he'd invest a little more energy in developing a rapport with me. Obviously I'm mistaken. And whenever we drive past a certan former industrial estate, he tells me the same old story about how he made something obsolete, like ear trumpets or whatnot, a billion gazillion years ago.

That's the thing that frustrates me about old people. They can't cope with change. They still live in their little outdated world. I remember I was watching Question Time recently, and Julia Gillard lambasted the Opposition for being keen history students and preferring to live in the 1950s (sorry, it's not in hansard). A quick lesson in Aussie politics for all those international readers: The current - and ruling - party with the plurality of seats in the lower house of Federal Parliament, the Labor Party, is generally seen as forward-thinking and progressive, while the Liberal and National Opposition is seen as tired and unoriginal.

The thing that I have noticed amongst my older family members is that they seem to be perenially tired - not physically tired, mind you, but mentally and socially tired. Its like every outing is a chore, and given the opportunity, they would prefer to be cuddled up watching the Friday night crime thriller on the ABC rather than dining on Collins Street, or whatnot.  And when they did go out, they made the supreme effort of looking the part by chucking on the tackies and woolen jumper. It reminds me of James May summing up oldness quite pithily on Top Gear: "It's when you have trouble putting on your trousers and you say, 'I know, why don't I have them elasticated?'" And, for a long time, I was like that as well. My apathy to any sort of social outing had to be seen to be believed. Now, I can't wait to get out of the house...

Of course, let's not forget the wistful sighs of those youthfully-challenged whenever discussion turns to technology. "Oh, you can't keep up", they exclaim. This fluff-driven narrative used amongst the Baby Boomer generation is something that really does frustrate me.

Apathy brings me to a similar point: For a long time I was so disinterested in being supportive of something that I was quite isolated when in discussion with anything my age. (Warning! Warning! Level of pretence approaching danger zone) It was like I was totally superior to anything mass-market or pop-culture oriented. I remember, one time at our grandparents' house, my brother and I were flicking through the TV. Landing on Video Hits, I said "Garrgh, the youth of today". Prententious much? It's like I had no idea that there was nothing wrong with enjoyment and fun for it's own sake. (Fructus gratia fructus?) Now, I'm learning to let go and take things as they come.

Now, turning to work: I work as an umpire for the WDCA (seniors) and WRJCA (juniors) and I have a few more observations that are prescient here. Believe it or not, the old people doing umpiring all belong in the WDCA - they'd all be asleep by 5.15pm - and awake by 4am on Saturday - on a Friday, which is when junior matches are held. Anywho, it can be quite amusing to see the microreactions in old people's faces as they see a young whippersnapper take the road less travelled and try and assert himself in the adult world straightaway and become the new alpha-male - of course, with the performance of my umpiring to date, that probably isn't gonna happen anytime soon

In any case, I am reminded of when I was umpiring my second senior cricket match. The other umpire was at least quadruple my age and it showed. He was totally ignorant of any sort of discomfort that I exhibited out in the middle and this was exarcabated by the fact that I was umpiring in the second highest grade. On my second go. C'est la vie and all that...

Having said all that, I hope that when I approach the big 4-0 and beyond, I never - and I mean never - be a tithe of what I see currently in the blue-rinse brigade. I hope to continually challenge societal norms until I am six feet under    

Well, that's my exposition on how I see old people. I plan to finish up on this theme of old people and conservatism that you may have noticed by arguing how the Baby Boomer generation will, for the second time in their life, be the most important vote-getters for governments.